Thoughts from Sunday

K:

This morning was kind of a mess for me. I didn't sleep well, I woke up still upset about something from last night, and we woke up kind of late to get to church on time. Eric had to speak and I wasn't even sure if I was going to make it at all, so I sent him ahead. I stayed back and got ready at my own pace, and thought a lot while I did. 

Something you may or may not know about me is that I'm kind of an in the moment, instant gratification type, but sometimes it comes back to haunt me after things settles a little. I almost always have buyer's remorse with big purchases, and often feel the same way in real life situations too. This morning I thought a lot about that. I almost decided that I wasn't going to go to church today, and then I started to think about the consequences of that. I knew that if I missed Eric's talk specifically (even though I was still just a little bit upset with him), that I would regret it later. This thought haunted me and drove me out the door. 

The whole way to church, and while I was there I thought about the ideas of agency and responsibility for our choices. In lots of situations since I moved away from home, since I've been married and especially since I've been in Europe I've had some regrets about the way I've done things or handled situations. Lately though I have thought about this principle before I make the choices, and it has helped so much. I use the phrase "I chose this" a lot. I think to myself, "later will I be happy when I say this is what I chose?". Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it's no. Today it was no, so I altered my decision accordingly. I went to church, and I'm obviously glad I did. It's not that it was a magical experience that changed my life, but this afternoon I was content with the fact that I could say "I chose this", and not regret it. 

What I do is make the results of my choices my own responsibility before they even happen and then it helps me to make the choices that I won't regret later.